^^KHALIDOLOGY^^

27 years ago, i never thought that meeting this person would somehow turn my whole world around. we started out as casual friends in the student publication. i was a senior reporter. she was a newbie. i remember editing her work. i can’t say i was an excellent editor and neither can i say that she was good as a writer. because we did not really have the connection. all we had at that time was this junior-senior respect for each other. she called me kuya rey.  i called her mayling.

we went separate ways when i finished college. she became editor in chief. i became a teacher. when i quit highschool teaching and moved to the same college where i studied, i found her there. not as a student, but as one of the professors.

oddly, she was a completely upgraded person. whoaa! from 386 to Vista.. chubby no more, she spoke more confidently. stunning and funny. still we did not have that connection. i was newly married, she was enjoying her life as a woman and as a law student.

as my life made a 360 degree turn, so did hers. these twists and turns brought us together as great friends. we could be oddest sort of friends for we called each other as each other’s bes but usually live separate social lives. she had her own circle of friends and so had i mine. however, i am sure that i hold that special category of being the best friend.

there were words unspoken. some words said and never kept. promises made and some broken. yet, i am sure that we have weathered the odds and ends of friendship. both libra, we know each other’s tantrums, whims, silly thoughts and wild imaginings. we always believed we’d never, never, ever be good for anything else. we are so best friends and that’s it.

time came that i had to sail seven oceans. that is an overstatement, but it felt like it. besides missing my family like hell, it is my bestfriend that i miss  sorely.  she gave me a starbucks mug as a going away gift and i remember that  seeing the mug made me cry  that  day when i felt so lonely here in saudi arabia.

yep, we love having coffee together. one time, i was having my starbucks coffee alone in al hassa and had the  urge to text her. Coffee is boring without you bes or something to that effect.

we are not the type of bestfriends who text each other every minute or send emails every now and then. i don’t even like to hear her voice for i don’t want to sentimental. she is a record breaker. she has her way to my tear ducts.

we dream of good things for each other and above all else we pray for each other’s happiness. away i am and so she is, but looking at what could happen ahead, whatever life would bring next, i would still take mai as my bes.

and my wife does not have any reason to be jealous.

platonic… could someone look it up please?

because my life is complication personified, i always admire people who opt to be simple in their ways. one of these people is cris salazar.

maybe i am really bad when it comes to keeping relationships. of fine, indeed i am. truth be told, cris salazar is one example of a friendship lost, forsaken if not totally forgotten. if gerros, another friend of mine is known to be our 7-11 guy, cris was my 24/7 sister, friend and confidante. 

we were together in a boarding house and cris or tinay was the elder sister i never had with my biological sister. ironically, big sister that she was supposed to be, i ended up taking care of her. her being slow is one for the guiness and twice or thrice i even did her laundry when she was doing her practice teaching.

tinay’s edge as a friend is her ability to listen and so did she without giving any false judgment to advance her qualities. i’ve confided to other friends and most of the time, i ended up feeling sorrier for myself for they just made me listen to their “why-don’t-u-be-like-me” pronouncements.

she finished college ahead of time and being so articulate, witty and smart, i wondered why she never finished with honors. out of the boarding house this time, i would always run to her house each time  i was wounded or sometimes when i am plain broke or just hungry.

there she was, with her door open wide and her ears equally opened. she took me like her own.

when she got married, i think that was the time the visits became less frequent. of course i was not sure if tommy wld easily understand how it cld be possible for a man and a woman to be very close like siblings without any doubts for something else.

having families of each own, it does not necessarily mean that i’d stopped appreciating what she and her entire family have done for me.

as i write the hackneyed line called 30, i just can’t help but smile.. thank God indeed for the gift of good friendship of good people.

thanks cris.

i used to think that my parents played favorites. they liked my elder brother better and for reasons i did not understand, this became the source of my teenage rebellion. because i really felt being left out, i felt i wasn’t loved by anyone in the family and i had to find comfort in the company of friends. strange but i found a great friend in the person of my highschool teacher during my junior year.

she was my confidante and i remember receiving presents from her on special occasions, something i never experienced with my parents even when my father was earning more. she wrote me letters and these letters i kept for a very long time. imagine, my best friend wasn’t someone of my age, which i think made me miss out a lot of thrill which i should have enjoyed as a highschool student.

when i finished secondary school, i kept in touch for a while, but the twists and turns of my life made me neglect that very special friendship with my teacher.

i don’t know  if for her my name will ring a bell. i don’t know if she has already gotten married. the last time i thought i had the chance to say hi, she was with a group of nuns and i was not able to muster enough courage to talk to her.

should i bump into her next time, i’d say thanks and maybe i will invite her for a cup of coffee.

for old time’s sake.

18th Floor Balcony lyrics

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?

My breath is on your hair
I’m unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony.
We’re both flying away.

So we talked about mom’s and dad’s
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can’t believe this is happening to me

And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I’m so yours for the taking
That’s when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me…

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony…
We’re both flying away.

And I’ll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams
’til I can bring you home with me
I’ll try to sleep
And when I do I’ll keep you in my… dreams

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep
So here we are
On this 18th floor balcony, yeah

I knew it from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No, we’re not going to sleep

Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony… we’re both..
Flying away

wait for me, and i’ll return
only wait very hard
wait when you are filled with sorrow
wait in the sweltering heat
wait when others have stopped waiting,
forgetting their yesterdays.
wait even when from afar no letters come to you
wait even when others are tired of waiting.
and when friends sit around the fire,
drinking to my memory,
wait and dont hurry to drink to my memory too.
wait. for i’ll return defying my death.
and let those who do not wait say that i was lucky
they will never understand that in the midst of death,
you with your waiting saved me.
only you and i know how i survived
it’s because you waited, as no one else did.

i know. my default mood is sadness, but for a very long time, i have not written about my being lonely. kakasawa din pala magblog about sad things. so ano na?

siguro mga 16 beats bago ko naisip kung ano ang isusunod ko sa tanong ko. actually, while i am typing this sentence, wala pa rin ako naiisip. as in wala.

ang tunay i got a lot to say pero di ko alam kung bakit kailangan ko pa i - blog. all i know, hindi ako masaya. sabi ko sa klase kanina, everyone has special story to tell. so find your voice. sing to it. or dance. your very own dance. i just did not know kung naunawaan ba nila. a ewan. 6 periods of teaching is killing me. pag last period it is like i am literally trying to catch my breath. di ko na kayang magalit. i just have ran out of stamina to be angry.

have u ever had that feeling that you were violated, but u just did not know how come u were feeling so? siguro sensitive lang ako o ayaw ko lang ng tinatawanan ako. ang problema ko, pag sa ibang tao, nagtatawa din naman ako. palihim nga lang. ganoon dito sa saudi. kung ano na lang. kahit sino. talotalo. pwd ngayon ikaw ang nang gugoodtime, but later ikaw naman ang magugudtime.

that one makes me back off. iwas gulo. well i am not complaining. i am jst beginning to learn how it works and i don’t want to bring myself to it.

ang dami ko natutunan dun sa book na kapeng arabo. i just did not like one chapter na nagpromote ng enewsletter niya na SAWALI. sa ilang banda tama yung mga observation nya.  mahirap tlaga sa saudi. period.

nagsand storm kgb pero saglit lang. kung kilala nu si kc, u will agree with me, sobrang showbiz na nang bata.

we are as young as our dreams and as old as our memories. this year, i am holding on bec of a dream. sana matuloy. and i am keeping my fingers crossed.

finally, makakabuo din ata ako ng isang blog,  my very first for 09. incoherent nga lang.

habol. kakamiss kayo lahat. divine, tinay, gewie, bes, eugene, gara, rori, lenard.. isali na rin natin ang mga members ng toda sa megahieghts subd. next year ulit.

i still remember the last time i yelled at sum1 in a restaurant just because i was having a bad day. the poor creature who served as my shock absorber was a co-teacher of mine. in jest, he was telling things and i flared up. good thing, i was forgiven for doing so.

and today, i just had another one. another bad day  but this time i can’t easily point out the reason why. it’s the first day of the week and there are only two days left before the Eid holidays. that thought did not give me any comfort anyway.  

some trivial problems  started my day and everything just  went downhill since the time i got inside the car. the highlight of the day is of course dealing with some of difficult team members who aren’t so happy with their assignments. if they only had  their way, they could have skinned me. one teacher was really upset and was really out of his way to make my life as miserable as his. 

i promised my wife to give her a call to congratulate reynaldo maranan III for ranking second in his class. but that did not happen. not because i did not have the time but because, i was no longer in the mood to be happy.  my work just robbed me of the genuine feel-good moment to congratulate my youngest kid.

fast forward. i have had my dinner and i thought i did not want to do my routine exercises. i was not in the mood to lift weights tonight. however, i decided against that idea and still managed to sweat out for an hour.

i thought iwanted to punctuate the night with something that would cheer me up. so i did three things. one, i went to the restaurant and had a bite of shawarma, two, i devoured the watermelon i bought from the shop nearby and three, and this one, i decided to compose this blog.

i had a bad day. period. nyt nyt

dunno the exact number of days left, but i’d be going home soon. of course, there’s the ramadan month to breeze and what’s next? yeah, one important woman’s bday is cumin soon and next is mine. that means, soon i’d be 39 officially. if you hate my math, well i am sorry.

what’s with the title of this blog. there’s nothin much to it except for the fact that things have gone better in my own way of defining things. if i am not happy then maybe i should say contented. if not contented, i really dunno. things are fine. thanks to myself because it was my decision .

till now, i keep on trying to recall the words from Dr. Phil, if you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will have what you have been having… something like that. but no thanks to Dr. Phil because i dont owe it to him but to myself.

i am on a diet, i exercise regularly and  seemingly, i am happy.

i am happy not because i have shed the unwanted pounds. every now and then, i check if my appearance have changed. i can hardly tell. but even if the tummy is still very prominent, it does not change my determination to do the things that i am now doing.

jerald, a very good friend and sometimes the worst critic one could have, would tell that i was not doing it right – that i was not losing weight. for a while i got irked by his comment but that did not chip off my perseverance. it’s becaue i am happy with what i am doing.

i can enjoy my life while a hearty meal is on sight. before, when i see food, i become a different person. i become a monster. now, it’s a different story.

about this place, it occured to me one time that i have stopped complaining about it. i still don’t like it. but you know, i have accepted that there is no other place.  this reminds me of a story of some rape victims who later do it with consent. so i call it rape with consent. ironic.

work is fine. no problem. things get boring sometimes but it’s just okay.

not so long ago, i thought life here in saudi arabia was unbearable. still it  is.  i just learned not to care about it.

when you say u expect the unexpected it does mean you’d really be ready to face life’s real surprises. that’s why you call them surprises. they come when u’d least expect it and one of these life’s little surprises is when the past suddenly comes back to haunt you when you thought you are so done with it.

it is like bumping into this person who snatched your phone. you’d be in this very uncomfortable situation and you’d never know if you would still care about the phone you have long forgotten. (now you own a new phone. better, much more expensive)

but you know, you’d still want to ask the bastard.. why me? why my phone? and you want to say "you crazy sonofa*****!"

on the second thought, you might just want to forget about the past and go on with your life. let go of that phone. you can have more phones in the world. more than you can imagine.

several days ago, i toyed with one idea of getting in touch with the past. but what’s the sense? that past would not even recognize me for crying out loud!

the same silly thought. so  much for reminiscing.

the same silly question. how could you face the future when your present is your past?